You people get that I’m a spring, right? Where am I going to find a dog that matches all this green and blue? Do I need a different dog for formal wear? Does breed matter beyond color, or do I need to match the temperament of the dog with the severity of my fashion choices?

What’s the little black dress of dogs? And who’s going to clean up after all these accessories?

Seriously? A cape? That’s how grownups dress?

Look people, you can choose who you take advice from. That’s your business. But do me a favor: some day in the future, somebody is going to tell you, “you should wear a cape”.

When that day comes, tell him to die in a fire.

This is pretty obvious, but somebody ought to say it:

1. Charlie Parker was not a nerd.
2. Those pants didn’t cost $189.50.
3. That shirt didn’t cost $180.
4. You’d look like a tool in that outfit.
5. HE’S WEARING A BELT, NOT SUSPENDERS.

Enjoy the holiday!

It’s a different kind of consumerism.

Indeed. Instead of telling people to spend a lot of money to be like the models and celebrities in GQ or Details or whatever, it’s telling people to spend a lot of money to be like Jesse. Completely different.

Which, if you like the way Jesse dresses, is just fine. For those of us who want to dress like actual grown-ups, that’s a bit harder to swallow.

The blue blazer is a classic menswear staple.  It pairs well with almost anything and is appropriate for almost any occasion that doesn’t call for a suit.  That said, the classic brass buttons can look a little fogeyish.

Fogeyish? Fogeyish? The guys running an entire site devoted to tweed, plaid, and dressing like your grandfather are worried that the brass buttons on “a classic menswear staple” look fogeyish?

What’s next, warnings that plaid flannel shirts may make you look “a little lumberjacky?”

I can’t say this enough, it seems: if the only person who can tell your personal style from that of a hobo is you, you’re a hobo.

Put This On admits that you may only be able to find one day a year to wear these dandy shoes, but suggests that buying these shoes for $244 might be worth it. And you know, if – as in their example – you expect to meet the president on the White House lawn on that one day and the only worthwhile thing you can hope from that situation is that he might like your shoes, well:

1. You need to think about your priorities.
2. You ought to work on your conversational skills.
3. You’d better hope the next guy is more like the current guy than the last guy.

But really, you’re better off giving that money to charity so that you’ll have a shot at impressing the president with your intelligence and compassion. Showing off what a dandy you are may not impress him as much as you might think.

Hey ‘funny’ t-shirt wearing 22-34 year old guy. Yeah, the joke’s on the rest of us.

— Mike Pesca

Hey $189 pants-wearing guy. Let Mike know that the joke’s actually on you.

Their uncharacteristically crude answer: “Yup.  I’m fuckin’ tonight.” And they defy you to think of anything else.

I’m willing to bet he’s thinking: “This sweater is bad enough, and the bow tie adds insult to injury, but I hope nobody ever realizes that it’s me in these pants…”

“…or I’ll never get laid again.”

For future reference, outside of their dress shirts, Brooks Brothers is where you get your clothes when your rich, bored wife is dressing you.

I am flabbergasted by how beautiful this jacket is.

That’s because you’re looking at the glamour shot:

Everything looks nice when it’s gussied up like that. Let’s see it in the day-to-day shot:

Not so sexy now, is it? Hard to believe it’s even the same coat, in fact.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you enjoy looking like an Italian redneck this winter.