You people get that I’m a spring, right? Where am I going to find a dog that matches all this green and blue? Do I need a different dog for formal wear? Does breed matter beyond color, or do I need to match the temperament of the dog with the severity of my fashion choices?

What’s the little black dress of dogs? And who’s going to clean up after all these accessories?

This is pretty obvious, but somebody ought to say it:

1. Charlie Parker was not a nerd.
2. Those pants didn’t cost $189.50.
3. That shirt didn’t cost $180.
4. You’d look like a tool in that outfit.
5. HE’S WEARING A BELT, NOT SUSPENDERS.

Enjoy the holiday!

The blue blazer is a classic menswear staple.  It pairs well with almost anything and is appropriate for almost any occasion that doesn’t call for a suit.  That said, the classic brass buttons can look a little fogeyish.

Fogeyish? Fogeyish? The guys running an entire site devoted to tweed, plaid, and dressing like your grandfather are worried that the brass buttons on “a classic menswear staple” look fogeyish?

What’s next, warnings that plaid flannel shirts may make you look “a little lumberjacky?”

I can’t say this enough, it seems: if the only person who can tell your personal style from that of a hobo is you, you’re a hobo.

Hey ‘funny’ t-shirt wearing 22-34 year old guy. Yeah, the joke’s on the rest of us.

— Mike Pesca

Hey $189 pants-wearing guy. Let Mike know that the joke’s actually on you.

Their uncharacteristically crude answer: “Yup.  I’m fuckin’ tonight.” And they defy you to think of anything else.

I’m willing to bet he’s thinking: “This sweater is bad enough, and the bow tie adds insult to injury, but I hope nobody ever realizes that it’s me in these pants…”

“…or I’ll never get laid again.”

For future reference, outside of their dress shirts, Brooks Brothers is where you get your clothes when your rich, bored wife is dressing you.

I am flabbergasted by how beautiful this jacket is.

That’s because you’re looking at the glamour shot:

Everything looks nice when it’s gussied up like that. Let’s see it in the day-to-day shot:

Not so sexy now, is it? Hard to believe it’s even the same coat, in fact.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you enjoy looking like an Italian redneck this winter.

Is it a nice antique watch? I guess.

Is it nicer than having, say, a watch that works for 1/36th of the price? No.

Would wearing this watch lower its value and qualify you as a dumb-ass who doesn’t know the difference between things you collect and things you wear? Definitely.

I thought their site was about wearing clothes, not collecting them.

Anyway, I wonder what the folks at Breitling think about all of this:

BEWARE OF FRAUDS
DO NOT BUY ANY BREITLING PRODUCTS ON THE INTERNET!

99% OF THE BREITLING WATCHES FOR SALE ON THE NET ARE FAKES. THE OTHERS ARE SECOND-HAND WATCHES OR MODELS OF DOUBTFUL ORIGIN.

So, you know, enjoy that.

This bag costs a pretty penny, but will its usefulness outlast three similar bags made of Nylon in China? Certainly so.

Ooh! That sounds nice! Let’s take a look:

Well, that’s certainly a handsome bag. And it looks a lot more durable than a cheap nylon bag, it’s true. But at $325, you can replace an awful lot of nylon bags.

But you’ll notice that they didn’t say that it would outlast a nylon bag, but that its usefulness would. So we have to ask ourselves, “Is it useful?”

Billykirk lists the dimensions as 9 3/4″ x 11″, so it’s almost tall and wide enough for a full size notebook, but not quite, so you can’t use it for work. It’s not quite thick enough for an airline paperback with anything else inside, so you won’t use it for travel.. If they make a laptop small enough to fit inside it, the laptop itself wouldn’t be useful, and you wouldn’t have room for cords or accessories in it. With all that thick durable leather and metal fittings, it’s heavy. It looks like you could fit a passport, a wallet, your keys, a cell phone and a pair sunglasses in it.

That sounds like a very useful size for a purse. But this is a site for men, yes?

American men usually put things like that in their pockets – and with good reason! For all the tales of highly-skilled pickpockets, it’s easier to steal either an entire bag, or to rifle its contents without somebody noticing than it is to get keys or a money clip out of a man’s front pocket without arousing suspicions (at the very least). And in the past, it’s certainly the case that men were more likely to carry money than women, what with not allowing them to have bank accounts and all.  It’s also the case that a man caught without any cash was certainly in more trouble than a woman who could always rely on the kindness of clichés. Men also need to have their hands free – there are things to carry and hats to tip and doors to open.

That’s not to say that purses for men don’t have their place. They do! That place is France.

Having traveled to France this past summer, I’m well acquainted with the man-purse, which most Americans have gotten the wrong impression about. Many couples in Paris consist of a smartly-dressed woman in heels with her makeup just so and a man in dirty pants, nice shoes, and a wretched shirt with enough grease in his hair to solve the oil crisis. In these couples, the woman never carries anything – so as not to spoil the lines of her outfit – and the gentleman schlub carries a small man-purse, smaller even than the bag above leaving only enough room for a cell phone, a compact, a lipstick and a tampon. The men with purses I saw in Paris kept their wallets, keys and phones in their pockets just like American men. The man-purse is really a way of carrying the contents of their companion’s purse for her while still keeping a shred of dignity.

But this isn’t France, and that’s not how men use bags in America. Put what you need in your pockets. (For the record, what you need is a phone, a wallet and your keys.) If you need to carry more than you can fit in your pockets, spend that $325 on a backpack or messenger bag that goes with your casual attire, and if you need to carry something to work, get a briefcase.

You’ll probably have enough money left over to get your girlfriend a nice purse.

With these terrible pants:

…in order to look like a character from an 80′s movie that bombed. All for the low, low price of just $1,206.81. Seriously.

I can’t remember who runs that site, but I hope he or she understands the kind of hell reserved for people who make suggestions like that.