You people get that I’m a spring, right? Where am I going to find a dog that matches all this green and blue? Do I need a different dog for formal wear? Does breed matter beyond color, or do I need to match the temperament of the dog with the severity of my fashion choices?

What’s the little black dress of dogs? And who’s going to clean up after all these accessories?

Is it a nice antique watch? I guess.

Is it nicer than having, say, a watch that works for 1/36th of the price? No.

Would wearing this watch lower its value and qualify you as a dumb-ass who doesn’t know the difference between things you collect and things you wear? Definitely.

I thought their site was about wearing clothes, not collecting them.

Anyway, I wonder what the folks at Breitling think about all of this:

BEWARE OF FRAUDS
DO NOT BUY ANY BREITLING PRODUCTS ON THE INTERNET!

99% OF THE BREITLING WATCHES FOR SALE ON THE NET ARE FAKES. THE OTHERS ARE SECOND-HAND WATCHES OR MODELS OF DOUBTFUL ORIGIN.

So, you know, enjoy that.

This bag costs a pretty penny, but will its usefulness outlast three similar bags made of Nylon in China? Certainly so.

Ooh! That sounds nice! Let’s take a look:

Well, that’s certainly a handsome bag. And it looks a lot more durable than a cheap nylon bag, it’s true. But at $325, you can replace an awful lot of nylon bags.

But you’ll notice that they didn’t say that it would outlast a nylon bag, but that its usefulness would. So we have to ask ourselves, “Is it useful?”

Billykirk lists the dimensions as 9 3/4″ x 11″, so it’s almost tall and wide enough for a full size notebook, but not quite, so you can’t use it for work. It’s not quite thick enough for an airline paperback with anything else inside, so you won’t use it for travel.. If they make a laptop small enough to fit inside it, the laptop itself wouldn’t be useful, and you wouldn’t have room for cords or accessories in it. With all that thick durable leather and metal fittings, it’s heavy. It looks like you could fit a passport, a wallet, your keys, a cell phone and a pair sunglasses in it.

That sounds like a very useful size for a purse. But this is a site for men, yes?

American men usually put things like that in their pockets – and with good reason! For all the tales of highly-skilled pickpockets, it’s easier to steal either an entire bag, or to rifle its contents without somebody noticing than it is to get keys or a money clip out of a man’s front pocket without arousing suspicions (at the very least). And in the past, it’s certainly the case that men were more likely to carry money than women, what with not allowing them to have bank accounts and all.  It’s also the case that a man caught without any cash was certainly in more trouble than a woman who could always rely on the kindness of clichés. Men also need to have their hands free – there are things to carry and hats to tip and doors to open.

That’s not to say that purses for men don’t have their place. They do! That place is France.

Having traveled to France this past summer, I’m well acquainted with the man-purse, which most Americans have gotten the wrong impression about. Many couples in Paris consist of a smartly-dressed woman in heels with her makeup just so and a man in dirty pants, nice shoes, and a wretched shirt with enough grease in his hair to solve the oil crisis. In these couples, the woman never carries anything – so as not to spoil the lines of her outfit – and the gentleman schlub carries a small man-purse, smaller even than the bag above leaving only enough room for a cell phone, a compact, a lipstick and a tampon. The men with purses I saw in Paris kept their wallets, keys and phones in their pockets just like American men. The man-purse is really a way of carrying the contents of their companion’s purse for her while still keeping a shred of dignity.

But this isn’t France, and that’s not how men use bags in America. Put what you need in your pockets. (For the record, what you need is a phone, a wallet and your keys.) If you need to carry more than you can fit in your pockets, spend that $325 on a backpack or messenger bag that goes with your casual attire, and if you need to carry something to work, get a briefcase.

You’ll probably have enough money left over to get your girlfriend a nice purse.

This is pretty much the platonic ideal for Backpack.

What, pray tell, could have aroused such passions? This:

Evidently one of the guys is a mountain-climbing Swiss boy in need of a $260 backpack for his next camping trip.

Now, some of you might need to pretend you’re in the Army with your watch:

For only $162 (on SALE!), you can have a watch that looks a bit like those ones you got in the dress-up kits your mom bought you when you were eight. Sadly, this one tells time instead of flipping open to reveal a compass.

But don’t forget, you don’t have to be a fake Army-guy to get something out of Put This On. No sir, if you want to dress like your Grandfather who has terrible taste in gaudy watches, you could get this little baby:

How much? Well, get bidding, because at the time of this writing it was a mere $206, but that’s sure to go up as more and more senior citizens learn about this internet thing!

Now, if you were a crazy person – and let’s just accept that you’re not – you might need to go to work and dress like a professional. As silly as that sounds, there are people out there that can’t get away with dressing like a dandy. For those people, we here at Put That Down have come up with a THIRD recommendation:

I know that it’s frightening. This crazy thing is durable, comfortable, attractive, and even reasonably priced: $74. No, it doesn’t let you play dress-up, but it will actually tell the time without making you look like an idiot. And maybe that’s enough.