Not Done Hurting You

It seems that their last attempt to make you wear your grandfather’s watch wasn’t brutal enough, so Put This On wants you to drop $2,700 on this antique watch:

Is it a nice antique watch? I guess.

Is it nicer than having, say, a watch that works for 1/36th of the price? No.

Would wearing this watch lower its value and qualify you as a dumb-ass who doesn’t know the difference between things you collect and things you wear? Definitely.

I thought their site was about wearing clothes, not collecting them.

Anyway, I wonder what the folks at Breitling think about all of this:

BEWARE OF FRAUDS
DO NOT BUY ANY BREITLING PRODUCTS ON THE INTERNET!

99% OF THE BREITLING WATCHES FOR SALE ON THE NET ARE FAKES. THE OTHERS ARE SECOND-HAND WATCHES OR MODELS OF DOUBTFUL ORIGIN.

So, you know, enjoy that.

Filed under: Accessories, It's on Sale | Tags: antique watch, BREITLING, breitling watches for sale, second hand watches, watch, WATCHES | No Comments »

Look at This Fucking One-Trick Pony

Nerdboyfriend presents:

And they’d appreciate it if you’d buy his ugly $595 eyeglasses. Not that those are the glasses he’s wearing – his were probably $45. But won’t you feel like a star if you spend like a star?

I’d be happy just to hear that you appreciate his many movie themes.

Filed under: Fashion Victims | Tags: eyeglasses, glasses, movie, movie themes, Nerdboyfriend, star | No Comments »

Is it okay to save money? Or: Send Jesse $25.

Brian writes to Put This On:

I wanted to get your opinion on the “flash sale” online retailers peddling bargain luxury, such as Gilt.com.  I’m a member there and haven’t had the opportunity or motivation to buy anything, yet.  I’m curious about your take on it.  If the retail prices they list there are correct, it’s certainly full of heavy discounts and plenty of cashmere.  However I’m skeptical if sites like these rate well as good uses of my time in the search for decent clothes.

Not surprisingly, as long as  you’re sending sweet referral lucre their way, the boys at Put This On think it’s perfectly fine for you to save some a few bucks on some pink narrow-toe boat shoes ($108!), a hideous blue plaid vest ($88!) or this mind-blowingly-ugly pair of pants ($72!):

Here’s a promise I’m willing to make to you: I will punch you in the face if I catch you wearing those pants. Repeatedly. Because I care.

Now grow up.

Filed under: Q and Asshole | Tags: boat shoes, Brian, decent clothes, online, opinion, plaid vest, sale | No Comments »

Would Sir Enjoy a Man-Purse?

In the middle of their weblog-handjob of Billykirk, but before they get around to apologizing if they hurt said company’s feelings, Put This On writes:

This bag costs a pretty penny, but will its usefulness outlast three similar bags made of Nylon in China? Certainly so.

Ooh! That sounds nice! Let’s take a look:

Well, that’s certainly a handsome bag. And it looks a lot more durable than a cheap nylon bag, it’s true. But at $325, you can replace an awful lot of nylon bags.

But you’ll notice that they didn’t say that it would outlast a nylon bag, but that its usefulness would. So we have to ask ourselves, “Is it useful?”

Billykirk lists the dimensions as 9 3/4″ x 11″, so it’s almost tall and wide enough for a full size notebook, but not quite, so you can’t use it for work. It’s not quite thick enough for an airline paperback with anything else inside, so you won’t use it for travel.. If they make a laptop small enough to fit inside it, the laptop itself wouldn’t be useful, and you wouldn’t have room for cords or accessories in it. With all that thick durable leather and metal fittings, it’s heavy. It looks like you could fit a passport, a wallet, your keys, a cell phone and a pair sunglasses in it.

That sounds like a very useful size for a purse. But this is a site for men, yes?

American men usually put things like that in their pockets – and with good reason! For all the tales of highly-skilled pickpockets, it’s easier to steal either an entire bag, or to rifle its contents without somebody noticing than it is to get keys or a money clip out of a man’s front pocket without arousing suspicions (at the very least). And in the past, it’s certainly the case that men were more likely to carry money than women, what with not allowing them to have bank accounts and all.  It’s also the case that a man caught without any cash was certainly in more trouble than a woman who could always rely on the kindness of clichés. Men also need to have their hands free – there are things to carry and hats to tip and doors to open.

That’s not to say that purses for men don’t have their place. They do! That place is France.

Having traveled to France this past summer, I’m well acquainted with the man-purse, which most Americans have gotten the wrong impression about. Many couples in Paris consist of a smartly-dressed woman in heels with her makeup just so and a man in dirty pants, nice shoes, and a wretched shirt with enough grease in his hair to solve the oil crisis. In these couples, the woman never carries anything – so as not to spoil the lines of her outfit – and the gentleman schlub carries a small man-purse, smaller even than the bag above leaving only enough room for a cell phone, a compact, a lipstick and a tampon. The men with purses I saw in Paris kept their wallets, keys and phones in their pockets just like American men. The man-purse is really a way of carrying the contents of their companion’s purse for her while still keeping a shred of dignity.

But this isn’t France, and that’s not how men use bags in America. Put what you need in your pockets. (For the record, what you need is a phone, a wallet and your keys.) If you need to carry more than you can fit in your pockets, spend that $325 on a backpack or messenger bag that goes with your casual attire, and if you need to carry something to work, get a briefcase.

You’ll probably have enough money left over to get your girlfriend a nice purse.

Filed under: Accessories | Tags: America, bag, Billykirk, China, durable leather, France, man, nylon, nylon bags, Paris, short men, woman | No Comments »

This Is What They Call Help?

Nerdboyfriend wants you to pair this horrible coat:

With these terrible pants:

…in order to look like a character from an 80′s movie that bombed. All for the low, low price of just $1,206.81. Seriously.

I can’t remember who runs that site, but I hope he or she understands the kind of hell reserved for people who make suggestions like that.

Filed under: Coats, Pants | Tags: coat, hell, low price, Nerdboyfriend, order | No Comments »

How Much Can I Spend on Plain Black Shoes?

Matt writes to Put This On:

I must thank your blog for filling a gap in my life I didn’t know existed.  I am now well on my way to dressing like a grown-up.  Due to my new self-awareness I have realized that I don’t own a pair of black shoes.  I also wear sport socks a little too much, but I can easily correct that myself.  With regard to the black shoes though what would you recommend as a good classic style black shoe?

Put This On answers by recommending this plain black dress shoe with a toe cap:

….that costs $325. Seriously. We here at Put That Back would suggest that almost any plain black dress shoe with a toe cap will do:

Like these for $53. Or these:

For $67. Or… hell, just do a search for black leather dress shoe toe cap and you’ll find something you like.

We’re not saying that the shoe they picked isn’t nice. Or that it isn’t a better shoe than these others. But if you could have that shoe or both of these pairs and an iPhone, which would you go for? (And don’t tell me that the shoe they picked can be re-soled and repaired – that description fits the entire set of “shoes.”) If you need some plain black dress shoes, buy some plain black dress shoes.

Besides, fancy dress shoes come from the factory quite stiff  and you won’t know if they fit right until you break them in over the course of a couple months – at which point you won’t be able to return them and you’ll be out $325.

Filed under: Q and Asshole, Shoes | Tags: black shoes, dress, dress shoes, Matt, shoe, sport socks, toe | No Comments »

Backpack

Put This On writes:

This is pretty much the platonic ideal for Backpack.

What, pray tell, could have aroused such passions? This:

Evidently one of the guys is a mountain-climbing Swiss boy in need of a $260 backpack for his next camping trip.

Filed under: Accessories | Tags: Backpack, ideal, one of the guys, platonic ideal, pray, swiss boy | No Comments »

Check those Plaids!

I can’t tell you how glad I am that Put This On linked to an article about how to tell real from fake BURBERRY patterns. Because here’s the thing: the only thing worse than being the sort of douchebag who pays over $100 for a single pair of socks is being the kind of douchebag who later feels cheated because they were the wrong sort of socks.

Filed under: Accessories | Tags: douchebag, pair of socks, sort, thing | No Comments »

Watches for Grownups

The time-traveling copy-cats at Put This On have some recommendations for your timepiece needs, and as always, they’ve got you covered on both fronts. Yes indeed, friends, they aren’t just trying to sell you on a single vision of fashion, they understand that you’re an individual and that you need to express that in one of TWO ways.

Now, some of you might need to pretend you’re in the Army with your watch:

For only $162 (on SALE!), you can have a watch that looks a bit like those ones you got in the dress-up kits your mom bought you when you were eight. Sadly, this one tells time instead of flipping open to reveal a compass.

But don’t forget, you don’t have to be a fake Army-guy to get something out of Put This On. No sir, if you want to dress like your Grandfather who has terrible taste in gaudy watches, you could get this little baby:

How much? Well, get bidding, because at the time of this writing it was a mere $206, but that’s sure to go up as more and more senior citizens learn about this internet thing!

Now, if you were a crazy person – and let’s just accept that you’re not – you might need to go to work and dress like a professional. As silly as that sounds, there are people out there that can’t get away with dressing like a dandy. For those people, we here at Put That Down have come up with a THIRD recommendation:

I know that it’s frightening. This crazy thing is durable, comfortable, attractive, and even reasonably priced: $74. No, it doesn’t let you play dress-up, but it will actually tell the time without making you look like an idiot. And maybe that’s enough.

Filed under: Accessories | Tags: copy cats, Put, single vision, terrible taste, thing, time | No Comments »

Look at this Fucking Oldster

Fashion and shopping blog Nerd Boyfriend wants you to dress like a famous film director. What stunning young fashionista have they picked this time around? This guy:

That’s right, it’s John Ford!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – how can I ever look as dashing as that man?  But here’s a shocker for you: he never had any formal fashion training. That’s right: he never studied! And even more shocking: he was never recognized during his lifetime for his fashion sense. Believe it or not, he won four Oscars, and not a single “best dressed” award.

But you’re in for a real treat, because while he may not have gotten the attention he deserved for his fashion sense back then, he’s being celebrated for it today. The good people behind Nerd Boyfriend have gone to the trouble of helping you recreate the authentic John Ford look with a comparable sweater, scarf, belt and a pair of pants to match those chosen by the master. (You’ll have to get your own matching hat, eyepatch, and coke-bottle glasses.)

I’m sure you’d be willing to pay at least $10,000 for that ensemble, but these inveterate bargain hunters have scoured the inter-tubes to get you into this look for far less:

• Plain V-neck sweater? $245.
• Nondescript khaki pants? $345 $84. Sale!
• Ugly scart? $147.
• Belt you can’t really see? $46.

That’s an entire look – and a look put together by a senile, nearly blind old man at that – for a mere $783 $522!

So get to shopping people!

Filed under: It's on Sale | Tags: Fashion, John Ford, look, shopping | No Comments »